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When I finally made it into the club, I was no less intimidated. There were people everywhere – and they were all together. In groups or in couples, everyone had someone to talk to, dance with, and generally not feel like a loser with. Except me. So I sat down at a high bar stool table and pulled out my phone. I was too petrified to look around. And because none of my friends knew I was there or even that I was gay, I had no one to talk to. So I did something I’m not proud of – I fake texted.I believe my inner dialogue went something along the lines of: “Oh my god, everyone knows I’m here alone. Everyone is staring at me thinking I am a huge creep… Wait a minute. No one is actually looking at me. Why is no one looking at me?? Am I not attractive to lesbians? F*ck, here comes someone. La di da, don’t mind me, I’m just looking at my cell phone, checking all my text messages from all my hot lady suitors… Okay, phew. They passed.”This went on for an hour. I literally sat there, surrounded. This never happened to me before. I am really worriedabout it. Maybe dressing up in girl's clothes every day is screwing upmy head. Or maybe something's wrong with me. I'm getting fat, and Idon't feel as strong as I used to be. It must be because I'm notgetting any exercise. At least my zits are under control. Sunday November 29We went to church today. I wore one of the new dresses that Grandmagot me. I have to admit, I looked good in it. Really good. It is veryshort, and I could swear I saw some guys staring at my legs when Iwalked back from communion.After church, we went out to breakfast, and I got more stares,including from a man who was old enough to be my father. If Dad werehere, he would have decked him.Grandma and Aunt Edie left after breakfast, and I was glad to see themgo. What a relief to put on jeans again. I finally got caught up onall my homework. Monday November 30Back to school. It was really cold out today, and my legs didn't thawout until third period.I aced my.
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